I've failed

- Failed to let ameldA sleep at 9.30. It's bloody 11pm ald. It's been so for the past few weeks. Damn.

- failed to get her to move out to her own bed

- failed to get her go eat healthily,

- failed to get her to greet the elders

- failed to talk patiently with Amelda

- failed to let Ayden sleep on his own

- failed to stay calm always

Basically, I've failed. Big time

Probably will feel like shit later today

But I am still typing this. The sofa is bloody itchy and I am bloody irritated.

Just needed to type it down so later I'll move my tired and bloody irritated self to take out all the sheets and covers and get hubs to go wash them all at the laundromat. Bloody hell.

Dunno if he will have time or not. If not then I'll go on Thursday or something. Minus the hubs and the kids.

Bloody tired. Well, actually I'm thinking of a word stronger than bloody but I'm doing self censorship here. I dun use the word out loud or in black and white unless I'm majorly pissed. Well. Kind of close.

Not sure how I am going to survive the course next week if I am getting so little sleep. Sigh.

Right. I think I need to sleep. Will get about an hour or two if I am lucky. I just hope it is not just a few min before I need to get up again. Keeping the fingers crossed.....

It ain't fun at all at times..

So I am now a mother of two. Listening to the sounds of sleep from the hubs, daughter and son. Pretty amazing feeling. It's all calm when they all sleep. Kind of peaceful. It's pretty stressful when they are all awake. I get too highly strung up. Worried over so many things I really dun enjoy most part of the day.

Trying to take it easy and take things slow but it's tough.

I dun say many things. I prefer to keep quiet. It's does not mean I'm a pushover.

Anyway, the day didn't start very well and it kind of all went downhill. Sigh. Bad judgement calls were made and it went bad like it's all my fault. Was trying to accommodate but ended up making the day bad. I dun regret cooking dinner but I regret not insisting Amelda take a nap.

Anyway, I'm going for a 5 day sculpture workshop. I can't wait. It will be very interesting how I'm going to cope with hubs away at reservist. Oh well. Things will just happen somehow right? Haha.

Resigned...

Nope, not leaving my job yet. Just resigned to my fate of having lots to do and no time to finish them. Or maybe just lack the discipline to. Hmmm.

In 2014, I resolve to

1) be a better mother. I will leave work at sch and finish wat I can before I leave. I will spend more quality time with Amelda and be more patient. Tall order but it doesn't hurt to try.

2) be a better wife. I will try to be less tired and cook more often. Need to cook healthily too. Hubs needs to lose some weight.

3) be a better daughter/ DIL/ niece/ sister/ cousin. Will try not to rush rush rush and make time for my mum, MIL, aunts, siblings and cousins if necessary. Again it is related with point 1.

4) save money. I'm going to try the save $1 more per week thing and see if I can really save $1300 plus a year. I dun have savings at all. This should help. I will try to make it happen. If it does, it should be the first time I stuck to a new year resolution.

5) clear my table at work and keep it tidy. I need to be more disciplined and to clear my mess. I have to do it! Throw wat I dun need!! Dun hoard!!!

6) dress better and eat better. To a healthier and prettier me!!! :p

Sense of dread..

Is building up. No frens, can't perform well at work, can't do well at home, can't take care of Amelda well....

And many other screw ups. So many tat I can't believe it.
Here is a list of wat I rem from this year
1. Threw my keys away. (Expensive and troublesome mistake)
2. Made a blunder in booking of flight to HK
3. Made a bit of mess of the budget for musical
4. Pushed responsibilities to others though not exactly my fault and feeling bad about it.
5. Being badmouthed at work
6. Getting a ticket and demerit points for speeding
7. Have not managed to watch the whole season of Grey's anatomy

Can't wait for the year to end.

Maybe I can't wait for all to end. Life is tough. I can never pls everyone. I can never be good enough.

Sigh. Why? Why is life so tough? I just want a simple life, with enough to make do, with events to look forward to, be with ppl I love.

For work, I have given up so much. Yet it's not enough. It never is.

For home, I have given my best. But it never is enough too. Always something is not done right.

Oh well. I'm not perfect and u are not too.

I gave up so much just to be with u. U may not think it's so but u are not me. How will u know? Do u know wat I want? Don't assume I want wat u want.

Will I be ever be happy? Looks like I really made many many wrong choices in my life.

Repercussions. I hate my life.

Who do I have to turn to?

Can't send long messages to hubs cos he gets frustrated.

But I am frustrated thus I send long messages. Who will listen to me? Or rather just read my messages?

Sad. I want to balance work and family but it's not possible. I only want my daughter to sleep so I get to sleep that little bit more. Why am I so tired? Why can't I just have that energy to be patient, to do everything with a smile? Maybe I am just an unhappy person. Maybe I am actually really uptight and upset all the time.

What is happiness? What makes me happy? Why do I lose my patience over small little things? Why am I always angry? Why?

I work hard cos I want to have the financial ability to buy wat I want and not worry. I do enjoy the status too although I dun enjoy the work as much now.

Sometimes I feel so sad. Sigh.